Food Freaks

I had sooo many things to potentially discuss today:

  • President Genius and his Wizards of Smart deciding that kids on farms shouldn’t …work on the farms. You know, like has been going on since, basically, the invention of farms.
  • The ongoing battle between Arizona and this Administration. 3 guesses which side Check Schumer is on…?
  • Tony Robbins (yes, THAT Tony Robbins) coming out on video against our Populist Prez’s strategy of Eat The Rich.

NO, no, …with all of that and more at my disposal, I chose instead: food. Or, rather, the people who are complete FREAKS about food, and are ruining it for the rest of us.


When I say FREAKS, I am not talking about your normal, everyday person who likes food. I’m not even talking about the person who enjoys the Food Network, or who has their kitchen looking like it’s ready to handle tonight’s dinner crowd at the Four Seasons.

Nope. I’m talking FREAKS, such as the ones discussed in the following letter/response on the cooking website

Dear Michael,

I am the mother of the bride. My daughter is a third culture kid, having grown up outside the US for her teen years. Consequently, she has been exposed to a wide variety of cultures and cuisines.

Her one request for her wedding day was to have a small luncheon for close friends and family to celebrate the occasion.

Our problem is my husband’s siblings “special diet” issues. They embody the evangelical wacko dietary fads that consume a certain slice of the upper middle class. We have every variation of diet extremism from the paleo-diet to variations of the casein/gluten/lactose/sugar-free philosophies which means they are limited to brown rice, some grilled meats, and some fruits/vegies. Apparently they are worried about leaky guts and fingers swelling from gluten exposure. To compound the problem, there are quite a number of them who follow variations of this extremism—10 to 12 people out of a party of 75 or so.

Since we are hosting our luncheon at an Italian restaurant, we will embrace cheese, pasta, gelato (and wedding cake) etc. with gusto. My husband wants to include his siblings in our celebration. However I have no desire to pay hundreds of dollars for meals that will be picked at, ignored or otherwise snubbed because of their food fascism. I will not have them ruin my daughter’s day by taking up space refusing to eat. If it were a matter of vegetarian vs. meat eating–that’s easy to accommodate. However this dietary demand goes beyond mere plant vs. animal.

The letter-writer goes on to ask if there is a tactful way of getting these folks to self-select out of the meal, without being rude. And, the advice given seems solid.


But, seriously, was this ever a concern in YOUR family when you were raised? Ever? A conversation along those lines would simply never have happened: “Hey, Ma? Rocky, Kell and Zan are all coming over for dinner, but just to remind you, Kell only eats brussels sprouts FROM Brussels, and Rocky is on that 1,452 hour cleanse, so right now he can only consume 3-day-old goat cheese and/or rainwater that was retrieved from a catch basin in the Himalayas. Zan has relaxed his diet, and is completely fine with organic, cage-free, summer raised, white meat/chicken breast, ….grilled only. And well-done, too: not soggy. You remember last time, right? He’ll have his own rub and spices, like normal.”

C’mon…… When we had meals that didn’t require a pair of scissors to access them, we were pretty pumped. And that was that.


Where did this come from? I know it seems to be a metropolitan, elitist, over-educated thing, but even THEN it’s ….a tad overboard.

My suggestion? Round ’em all up, lock ’em in a hockey arena, put Gilligan’s Island up on the Jumbo-tron (all 3 seasons), and feed them nothing but grilled cheese, spam, Campbell’s soup, and cold cereal. Maybe some beef jerky, too.

Tap water; not bottled. And coffee: Folgers or Maxwell House; totally their choice.

Either that will recalibrate their brains-&-taste buds back to “socially acceptable human” level again, or their heads will explode.

Win-win, I say.

16 responses to “Food Freaks

  1. LivinRightinPGH

    REALLY??? Gilligan’s Island (I’m a “Ginger” over “Mary Ann” kinda guy, BTW), grilled cheese to dip in my tomato soup (made with WHOLE MILK, instead of water. Seriously, WHO uses water?), fried SPAM on toast with mayo, Coco Puffs, AND for desert, BEEF JERKY (please make it the peppered version. I LOATHE the teriyaki)???? PLEASE confine me in the hockey arena!

    All I ask is NO PEAS OR LIMA BEANS! I happen to be gross-vegetable-intolerant.

    • Sorry, Pgh.

      Having YOU ask for a punishment like this is of the “Please don’t throw me in the briar patch” variety…..

  2. Three things. 1st- Folger’s makes a great variety named Black Silk. I highly recommend it. 2nd- secretly hypnotize them all and make them cluck like a chicken whenever the Skipper hits Gilligan with his hat. This will do nothing to aid in their rehabilitation, but it will make watching the closed circuit a lot more fun for the rest of us. 3rd- provide them all with unlimited access to tequila and make them drink every time Thurtson calls Mrs. Howell “Lovey.” Again, the only purpose it serves would be my pleasure, but these people have annoyed the crap out of me for a long time anyway. They owe me some enjoyment while I am waiting for their heads to explode.

    Wait, are we talking about the people with special diets? I thought we were talking about the closed minded bigot who doesn’t want to spend any money but doesn’t have the guts to do anything but whine.

    I thought it curious that, even though I have no idea how it fits, she called their diet “evangelical.” I guess when you hate someone a person can always call them a Christian to insult them.

  3. Hatfield McCoy


  4. Ok, now that I’ve stopped laughing…seriously, there are people with quite serious health issues out there, who truly need to eat gluten-free or dairy-free, or what have you. But I have noticed that those are the folks who will quietly eat what they can and leave the rest, or bring their own nutrition supplement with them, or just opt out of the meal with a graceful apology. No demands, no guilt-trips.

    Do you think this has come about as a back-lash against lower class entitlements? The intelligentsia’s finally said, “Hey! I want a water buffalo, too! Where’s MY water buffalo?…”

    • LivinRightinPGH

      Speaking on behalf of Mr. Flintstone, Grand Pooh-Bah of our local lodge, I find your reference particularly offensive….

      Given: there are those with TRUE needs for diet control….then there are those who use it as a method of garnering attention.

      • I’m with ya, Pgh.

        As you know, I find NO fault with those folks CAN’T eat something (peanut butter, shellfish, etc.). This is about those who CHOOSE to limit their consumption to an extreme degree, and then look at the rest of us as if WE are the anomaly.

    • Hi, sis! Didn’t see your post before I responded to Pgh.

      I think he is right, at least partially. Some DO act this way for attention; others because it’s how SMART/CULTURED/etc… people behave.
      Yes, they seek to differentiate themselves from the less-refined people (or what we would normally refer to as PEOPLE).

      Water buffalo, eh? Can I have it with fries?

      • LivinRightinPGH

        I like to show my “cultured status” by holding my salt shaker with my pinkie finger out as I salt my water buffalo and fries…..

  5. I couldn’t believe that the administration is actually trying to stop kids from helping on the farm. Supposedly, they can still help their parents, but what about Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents etc. I live in the central valley of California which is huge for farming. It will effect people here the administration gets their way.

    • I hear ya, Rob. Nope, they won’t be able to.

      Not only that, but take a look at what this bill does to 4H…!

      It’s another way to handicap flyover country, to try and make them come hat-in-hand to Big Govt.

      The farms that will be ok with this are the really big ones. The small farms….well, there may not BE any of those……

    • Hey, Rob. I’m sure you saw that the Prez’ Labor Dept has backed away from this particular battle.
      I’m he feels that we should be grateful, too.

      What was that line from Gladiator?
      Oh, yeah:
      “Am I not merciful??!!”

      November 6th, dude. November 6th…..

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